I had my 3rd driving exam today. And whilst it was less nerve wracking than the first, I still felt some anxiety in the hours leading up to it. And so I went online and had a good browse round for anxiety coping strategies. Found a really good one over here : http://www.stop-anxiety-panic-attack.com/blog/anxiety-free-tactics

When I was at the test centre waiting for my examiner to be ready, I was having a hard time relaxing. I was asking myself why am I being tormented by this? It’s not the most important thing in my life, so why is it freaking me out?

I realised my fear of failing a driving exam stems from my childhood. My parents raised me to believe that my worth was only determined by the exam results I took home. Every adult in my life almost, participated in this. The only concern my parents showed me were to do with my exam results so doing well in exams was the only way I could get any attention from them.

Another reason that contributes to my anxiety surrounding passing the exam is my lifelong dream. I had a dream since childhood that when I’m grown-up, I’d drive a car and be free. Well that is the most painful part of my dream that I have to let go of. Some dreams cause pain and suffering. This is it. And today I had to let it go. I have to live my life without it, and still find my freedom. And I will.

And would you have guessed it? I flunked the test today, but I was actually cool about it and took it lightly… because by then, in that space of time I had waiting for the examiner to be ready. That 5 minutes or so… I had rethought my dreams and priorities. I have worked through the first most important step towards self healing, which was figuring out what exactly was causing me all that heartache and lost sleep. And I did it. I figured out the first piece of the puzzle. And thanks to my smartphone (I am a diehard technophobe forthis reason), I quickly Googled up “how to let go of your dreams” and found this piece of wisdom right there : http://www.wikihow.com/Let-Go-of-Your-Dreams

I couldn’t agree more with point 1 in the article :

“Society, rafts of self-help books, great orators, colleagues, fellow students, parents, teachers, everyone it seems, is always telling us to “pursue our dreams”. Nobody ever really stops, though, to explain that we should hold realistic dreams and that sometimes our dreams are not in sync with our abilities, needs, and interests as time moves on. Facing the fact that dreams have become stale is hard but can be very rewarding because it is the first step in allowing you to let go and to create new goals.”

And here, I faced it now. I faced the fact that I may be one of those few who have little natural aptitude for driving. In fact, I have always had ZERO common sense despite being what some might call, a straight A type in school, I can’t drive to save my life. I can control the car, that’s not an issue. But I am a dangerous driver. I don’t anticipate well or, plan enough , and do reckless things. I’ve been at this for a year and a half nearly, spent nearly £5k on lessons and exams. So I’m not gonna give up. I will continue taking exams and hoping to pass it eventually. And if I don’t, say after like 20 times.. then I will consider if I want to quit. But you know I probably won’t. I’m gonna keep going, but it’s just so I can say at the end “Whew! I finally did it!”