I am glad I gave a little more thought into why I am uncomfortable with D. and R. And I have been Googling up stuff… I have come to the conclusion that it is out of insecurity. Whether they are insecure or not – and maybe they are, judging from their reliance on others and on material goods to feel happy about themselves. But that is not the main issue I should be concerned about at this point. The important thing here is I know now how insecure I am myself.
An insecure person is one who is easily influenced, doesn’t seem to have a steadfast belief in one’s beliefs, so to speak. And gets disturbed and put off guard easily whenever he/she encounters difficult situations with or without people. And also when encountering people he/she doesn’t see eye to eye with. I realise that the reason I get upset by others easily when they disagree with me, is because I am fearful of being judged. And why am I fearful of being judged? Because I am afraid I might actually be… wrong. And why am I afraid to be wrong? Because my self-confidence entirely rests on the shaky conviction that I possess, in which I believe I am right or correct in my thinking, and that can never be disputed.
The problem with thinking like this is that in reality, there is no absolute right or wrong in this universe. Things just are. People can be convinced by others’ arguments if they “sound right” but notions of right and wrong are truly fluid concepts. Any concept can be out-argued, no matter how right it may sound to one. And hence I realise I was just getting all fragile and shaky because I was too attached to some concepts which I believed underlied my entire existence and being.
I couldn’t have been more wrong about this.
And hereby explains why I have been dithering back and forth about having tattoos, or a facial piercing – things I always wanted to have. Or at least, things I always thought I wanted to possess. At the back of my mind each time, I had a niggling doubt about my beliefs – I knew I was insecure and I knew my personal beliefs were shaky and possibly derived from some media format I’ve been exposed to and egregiously adopted as my own without having had the self-knowledge to have determined whether or not these beliefs were in line with what I really am about, deep down. I knew that if I decided on a tattoo or facial piercing because I thought it represented who I am, it may not be correct. It might be a serious misjudgment. One that I have to live with the rest of my life… whether with the tattoo or piercing as a permanent fixture, or as scars. Scars that came about from tattoo removal attempts or allowing the piercing to close up.
And what am I really about, deep down? Now I am beginning to open my eyes to my soul. Now I am starting to learn all about myself.
So I can’t say for sure yet. But whatever it is, I better be sure of it. Better accept it. Because this ain’t gonna go away no matter how many layers of adopted beliefs from elsewhere I put on myself on top of the real me, like layers of an onion. Every person on this Earth is born naked, bleeds red blood, and dies alone. No one is special or above everyone else. I have just as much of a right to be who I am as the next person. So I deserve to be valued for who I am, in my eyes. The self-deprecation must stop.
Here lieth the journey I am beginning. I am finally getting to know myself. And be true to myself.