Today I found a way out of selfishness. All day I was wondering what was gonna be for dinner as there was nothing left in the fridge. I was telling my husband he should buy takeaways.  I was just gaming all day long as my kids did, and didn’t feel like budging from my seat. Then this niggling thought in my head that we should really be saving money, not spending. And then an idea popped up in my head of making brown rice. So I made my usual brown rice in creamy condensed soup thingy with cupboard stuff like spam and freezer stuff like peas. Worked well. Kids loved it. Well, sort of. Me and Bunnus loved it.

And then I realised that all it took for me to spring into action rather than sit playing games and letting the world go by was to just suddenly get the idea of what I COULD do (i.e. the soupy rice with spam and peas idea), and just doing it. I got up from my game-playing seat as lightly as if my next plan of action was always meant to be. It felt predestined. It felt natural.

Only on hindsight did I realise what I did was an act of kindness. Of course it is kindness to cook for your husband and children. Of course it is kindness to save Bunnus the trouble of having to go out of the house to buy takeaways after he’d had a long day of working at home sewing up the cushions for the caravan he bought to take us all camping in comfort. The man had been working since last weekend, fervently, to get this finished. And yes it finally is finished. And he’s knackered.

Now I can’t believe I’m actually writing about something as boring and mundane as making a dinner for a family. But the way this situation fits a fact-of-life analogy is just epiphanic. One thing led to another, and… … it just felt right.

So I’ve found that whenever I’ve acted kindly, it’s most heartfelt when it comes naturally. When I feel I’ve got nothing to lose by doing it.

So then… maybe that’s the thing here.

People do kind things because they feel they’ve got nothing to lose by doing them. Some people even, gain from it in the form of happiness – yes, some people actually feel happy from being kind. I have to admit I am not that kind of person. Maybe because I’m so damaged from my abusive childhood – thanks Mum. And the fact that I absolutely am too stubborn and cynical to be brainwashed by any religion to believe that being kind is THE way to a good life.

It’s a mindset more than anything in reality. For who is to say you won’t lose anything when you do something? You’ll always lose something – be it time that can be spent on something else, money, effort, etc. But I suppose that’s a wrong way to think. To think that anything in life is finite. To be afraid of loss is to believe that everything you possess is finite. But how wrong we’d be to think we even possess anything in this life. We never asked to be born. And everything we get in life is handed to us just … like this. Like the way life deals out each and every one of our cards for us. From the moment we were born, without our consent.