Today I had a really… kind of a fall-out with my husband.

Bitchy words were exchanged over some petty shit. We were both pissed off with each other. And he started going on about how he’s leaving now. As in LEAVING.

I was thinking to myself : Oh well. Do it then. Maybe it’s all for the best.

And I refused to look at him.

He said bye to everyone. But my two daughters didn’t bother to answer. They were engrossed in playing a game on the computer. He then asked my eldest does she want to go to choir? She said “I don’t know.” Which is cryptic for “I don’t really want to go but I will if you insist.” He started going on to her about whether it’s like, her intention to become a loser just like him. She was unmoved. Continued playing the game on the computer. So he went on and… I think he was trying to rile me up right there, but he then said “Do you really want to be a loser like your mum?” Well I refused to answer to that low blow there. And she remained unmoved too. My son was the only one who said bye to him as he prepared to exit the flat.

Then he was gone for a long time. In the meanwhile, I felt calm. Remembering what I just said yesterday about “There is nothing to lose in life.”… so that made me feel calm. I didn’t feel an acute sense of loss when he threatened to leave and left.

But as I thought about dinner tonight, I felt a bit of a knot forming in my heart. Just a teeny knot. I was concerned about my kids not being able to eat a proper homecooked dinner. Then I remembered we had baking potatoes in the fridge. And baked beans in the cupboard. And a used block of Cathedral City cheddar in the fridge. Idea was formed. Tonight we shall be having baked potatoes with beans and cheese for dinner.

That solved the issue of dinner.

As I made dinner, I thought about what I should do if he never returned. Bearing in mind that he’s done this many times in the past before whenever we quarrelled. So that’s not new. Might explain a little why I didn’t feel shocked when he threatened.

Who knows right? One day we might divorce. But as long as the kids are still young and need us to be there for them, I have qualms about divorcing.

Alright, I’ll put my hands up here and admit we never had a smooth relationship from the start. We were always quibbling. Never the lovey-dovey sort. When the going’s great, it’s great. I don’t know how we managed to survive 3 kids, 1 traumatic hospital birth for the eldest child, and 2 fantastic homebirths that followed subsequently, University, 8 moves across the country in 10 years, no family or friends around to help for most of the time (we were unable to establish roots anywhere because we moved so much), and his salary went up almost double in the last 10 years of moving around for his career. Was it worth it? Maybe… maybe not.

I’m a headstrong woman. And I’m afraid I’ve become complacent. I’ve gotten used to a certain living standard with him. And I’m not ready to throw in the towel because of it. The kids love him and love having him still being around. If we divorce, the good thing is the kids will not see us quibbling anymore (well maybe not so much, but I guess we’d still quibble whenever we have to meet during weekend pickups and stuff)…The bad thing(s) however, is that our living standards will drop and I won’t be able to buy my kids the things they like anymore. And my kids will miss his constant presence day-in day-out.

And if I’m being honest, I’ll miss him too. I don’t know if I’ll miss the bickering. But I’ll miss the good times, that’s for sure.

And you know what?

10 minutes after we’d finished dinner.. he came home with a huge load of groceries. More than we needed. He bought loads of nice stuff we like. And there was no attitude. No pissy words from him. I felt glad to see him, but I avoided looking at him completely. (I know I know, I’m too proud and it’ll do me in.) I left him the biggest, ginormous baked potato I’d made earlier on, in case he hadn’t eaten anything while he was out. He did not touch it at all and I thought : Okay, maybe he’s eaten already when he was out. Or maybe he is still upset with me and doesn’t want to eat the food I cooked. Fair enough.

But an hour later, he asked the kids “Have you guys eaten already or what? Aren’t you hungry?”

And my kids replied “We’ve already eaten.”

And then he said “Oh, so that potato is for me?”

And he started heating up his baked potato and ate it.

I felt happy he was eating it though.

But I still avoided looking at him, and he at me.

Soon after, I put the kids to bed at 9.30pm.

We largely stayed out of each other’s sight for the rest of the night after that. I stayed in my bedroom surfing on the tablet. He stayed in the lounge watching telly.

Around midnight, I decided to go wash my hair because it hasn’t been washed today and feels minging. I bathed and then went out to the living room to see he had dozed off on the couch. I go and turn on my laptop to do surveys (yes it’s my main way of earning extra money these days because I really don’t have much other time to spare caring for 3 young ones). He woke up on the couch and said to me “I’m going to the bed to sleep. Goodnight.”

I said “Goodnight.” And I felt glad.

Because this meant… we made up. And did I mention before that this happens quite often? I suppose we are the equivalent of an “On-Off relationship” couple, except we are married and have kids, and have little intention of divorcing while the kids are still young.