I have a real problem I am coming to terms with.
I am always finding fault with people.
At first, I thought well, maybe it’s because I have high standards. That is a good thing, right? Means I don’t stoop low. Means I have some class.
But it also means I am always above the scum of the Earth though. I don’t think I’ve ever really admitted it to myself because I like to think I’m a better person than I really am. But every time I say something nasty about someone in a heated discussion or argument that comes out of nowhere (like as in, I didn’t even rehearse it and it just … FLOOOWED out of my mouth) I give the other party a rude shock. I am usually racked with guilt afterwards. Some self-justification (like blaming others for riling me up or making me act that way), some worries over how I appear to others… all that selfish bullshit. But the bottom line is, I now realise… that I said those nasty things because… well, I am actually harbouring really nasty thoughts about others. Whether I am aware of it at all times or not.
So I cottoned on to the fact that perhaps I have a problem.
A big problem.
One that is right at the root of my issues with people, yet remained undiscovered for so long because of my erroneous self-perception and the lies I feed myself about myself.
Okay so today, I had to admit. I have a Big Big Problem in my life and its probably been within me for ages. Like as in, for a long long time. Maybe at least 15 years. Maybe stretching right into my tween years or my childhood even.
I AM ALWAYS SEEING FAULT WITH PEOPLE.
I say “seeing” rather than “finding” because it happens so effortlessly whenever I am with someone for a short time that I don’t even have to search hard. People’s flaws just naturally… present themselves to me. Like on a silver plate.
I used to think that that makes me innocent of any wrongdoing. Because hey, I didn’t will any of those thoughts up. I didn’t like, take 5 minutes aside and ask myself “Hmm, now… let’s see if so-and-so has any flaws. Let’s think back to what happened before and give it a good analysis before arriving at a conclusion.” Because it’s like, these thoughts about people’s flaws just come right into my head without me even trying. That so-and-so is naive/unthinking/shallow/uneducated/gentile/plain/unkempt/smelly/etc…
It’s almost as effortless as breathing.
And the more annoying thing is that once the epiphany of someone’s flaws appears, it’s like a voice that grows louder and louder in my head, until there is no way I can ignore it. It is basically forcing me to look at it squarely in the “eye” and wrinkle my nose up uncontrollably. In disdain.
Right. It’s obvious I have a problem with this issue there. So I tried Googling up on the possible reasons for this. I typed in the search engine “Why do I always find fault in others?” It was easy. By the time I’d typed out “Why do I always find fault” the words “in others” appeared on their own for me… so I don’t need to type out the entire thing and save some finger strength LOL Hmm… my problem must be a common one I guess.
And I click on the search result that seems to be a good one. It was on Page 1 of the search results, somewhere near the bottom. It was this. The answers provided by Wellerism, Plato123, shamrock92, *Star*Guitar*, xSplashx, jennyng2000… all answered my question. It seems the answer to my question is a mishmash of a few possibilities :
- I don’t like myself – i.e. being too self-critical always
- Self-projection onto others
- No one is perfect
I had a think about it and it makes so much sense to me.
See, if I liked myself… If I REALLY liked myself… then I would accept all my goods and my bads happily. This is opposed to the thinking I used to have (which is a really superficial and erroneous thought) that to be able to like myself, means I have achieved perfection, means I am finally GOOD enough, i.e. I have no flaws. Well what a shame. I can’t believe I’ve been carrying around such a thought in myself. As if I can ever achieve that level of perfection. As if anybody can!
I talk the talk but don’t really walk the walk. I would often blurt out to people that nobody’s perfect. Sometimes when consoling a friend who has the same problem as I do, which is finding fault with others. Sometimes when I am trying to get away with a mistake I made, I would remind the angry or annoyed other that “Nobody’s perfect”. But really, I never really believed that deep down. I never did. I always thought well, actually, some people CAN be perfect. Like me for instance. Or um… people I look up to because they have qualities I wish I would have like people skills, money, opportunities, generosity, luck, etc. And so I went through life thinking well, if only I strive hard enough, I can also be that person. The sort of person I tend to admire and envy and wish I had what they had.
So truth be told.
I really don’t like myself very much. I hate my flaws. And I am always holding out the thought that one day I WILL be flawless (or almost there), and then I will love myself. And that day will come.
I am always striving to improve myself. I probably work harder than most other housewives… reading so many articles and websites as I can, trying to understand the mysteries of nature. And the mysteries of my mind… Now that’s why I wanted to study Psychology in Uni for a very very long time. But I’ve always been holding back, because deep down I know if I do the degree, it would be for selfish reasons, not for vocational reasons. I have very little desire to become a psychologist myself. I am not that helpful, I have shit people skills, and I get emotionally too involved in other people’s problems and would be a prime candidate for “burn out” in a helping profession
So maybe I gotta stop all this self-hatred. I need to accept I am who I am, flaws and all, and I need to accept that I am worth just as much as the “ideal me” – the idea of a flawless me – an end-result of striving, which I’d always envisioned would happen some day if I work at eliminating my flaws.
How wrong was I? Of course I can never eliminate my flaws. They are a natural part of me as they are of everyone.
And I need to see that in other people too.No matter what mistakes they’ve made, they are worth as much as the “ideal them” – the idea inside my head of what they would be if only their flaws disappeared.
It’s so hard to accept this.
I wonder how other people do it..