I feel lonely.
I do have friends but…
The ones I really connect with are too far away to meet face to face.
And Facebook is not good enough to substitute for that.
The ones who are near to me, whom I can call up to meet, I just don’t feel like I connect with on the same waveleangth.
I don’t feel like meeting them that much, as a result.
Even if they are just a phonecall away.
One of them is also lonely. Like me.
But she is too much of a baby.
She would call me up everyday if she could. I mean if I let her.
That would drive me nuts.
I need space.
Then she goes on Facebook and posts statuses bemoaning the state of her social life and the “flakey” friends she has. i.e. yours truly.
I just don’t respond to those statuses. I mean. I just don’t know what she expects me to say.
I had another friend I met here in Liverpool once. A long long time ago.
When she first met me, it felt to me like she wanted to be my BFF forever. She would call me 10 times a day – no sweat – and by the third consecutive day of her doing that, I was mad at her. Mad at her for not respecting my boundaries. Mad at her for not believing that when I said to her I was busy (with housework, coursework and family), I really was!!! Mad at her for calling me up so many times a day despite my lukewarm reactions to the calls.
Then I bought an automated answering machine for my phone. Everytime she called, and I’d see it’s her from the Caller ID, I’d transfer her call straight to the answering machine.
That didn’t go down well. Because the next day, she rang my husband. At his workplace. When he was at work. Asking him if I had a problem because I wasn’t picking up any of her calls!
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I flipped. How dare she call my husband at work to check on me? And how does an adult woman of 28 and mother of 2 not understand how her incessant phonecalls were creepy and bothersome to anyone older than teen age, who no longer has their ears glued to a phone for hours doing idle chitchat everyday?
I sent her a really nice reply. Telling her I’m sorry but this is not gonna work out. She is a nice person but I feel we just have very little in common.
And that was that. Never heard from her again.
2 years later, she started texting me out of the blue. Wanting to know how I was, and wanting to meet. I said okay. After all I wasn’t angry with her anymore and I was feeling a bit lonely.
Then I met her up and she told me she was pregnant with a 3rd. I congratulated her and supported her through her late night messaging with her marriage problems and fears about the birth. When the baby was born, she asked me a lot about breastfeeding. I tried to offer advice but it felt like I was talking to the wall. Because after repeated attempts to explain to her the importance of alternating breasts to feed, she told me she was still only feeding only from one breast. How is that even humanly possible, and how did she maintain her milk supply this way? It bewildered me. But I let it slip. After all, it was her we’re talking about. And she’s always been a bit cuckoo, I guess. Judging from her behaviour towards me right from the start.
We kinda drifted apart as she started texting me too often… again, it was getting on my nerves. She was doing the same as before, basically, but instead of calling me, she was texting. I suppose texting is better in a way since it gives me some leeway to answer the texts after a while rather than straight away, drop whatever I’m doing, kinda thing.
I eventually severed my friendship with her when I went away to Wales for a holiday. Had no reception up in the mountains the whole time so was unable to return nor receive any of her texts. Only to return to Liverpool to field her questions asking where I’ve been, etc. And then when I said Wales, she texted back “Was it cheap?” Fucking bitch. That was the end of that. I straight away told her “Oil! Don’t be a bitch!” And she quickly came back with a text saying sorry but it was too late now. I couldn’t stand her, have never been able to stand her, and that was the last straw. I deleted her off my Facebook and stopped replying to her texts.
Anyway fast forward to now.
I’m still lonely. I have a family of me own but I still feel isolated. I guess I’m looking for a soulmate here to meet up with for some human contact every now and then. Preferably a female as I don’t really want to make my husband jealous. But I have not found that soulmate yet.
I have recently applied to be a volunteer in my local community. I guess I was hoping this would give me a few benefits:
– Do something meaningful and giving back to the community
– Develop as a person
– Get a better insight into how locals here really think (since it seems rather difficult to get to know any locals at all, to that extent – it’s all just hi-and-bye superficial relationships at best)
– Alleviate my own feelings of loneliness
So many reasons, right?
Oh well. We’ll see.