I had a chemical miscarriage yesterday. In a way, I think it was for the best. We are in a somewhat unstable situation right now. Well, we are planning to move to another city in about half a year, and I am NOT happy here. Being new to this place where I am now (we’ve only moved here about a month ago), I haven’t built up the support networks I would need to help me get through another pregnancy with 3 kids in tow, and 1 of them – my youngest – who is possibly ASD or ADHD and a very difficult child to look after since the day he was born. Now turning nearly 6, he’s still a handful but it has become somewhat easier the older he got. Financially, we’re not struggling but not living in luxury. We can afford another baby, but it would make life a little bit more restrictive just when we feel we are starting to get our lives back a bit.

When I found out I was pregnant not so long ago, my head told me no. This cannot be the right time, although I would have loved another child. My husband and I contemplated abortion. We were on birth control and we had, for a long long time, felt our family was complete. We had always wanted a girl and a boy, and when we ended up with 2 girls first before finally getting a boy, we thought that was it. That’s it. We’re done now. But a few days later, our hearts softened and we decided we will keep it. We both loved children, and we knew we would grow to love a new baby just as much as we do our existing children. We couldn’t imagine life without our children.

Even then, these past few days were uncomfortable. My breasts were swelling and tingling due to the pregnancy hormones and aching at night so much that no matter how I turned my body on the bed, it still didn’t help. I felt lethargic throughout the day every day and I have been suffering from the absent-mindedness typical of me whenever I am pregnant. The day before yesterday, all this culminated in a very careless slicing off the tip of my finger while I was preparing dinner for the family. It bled quite badly and is still a bit sore today, but I was quite upset when it happened. I felt worried about how I was going to cope when my tummy grows bigger and I’d find it even more of a challenge to go about daily chores without cocking up like I did. I sobbed while my husband disinfected and dressed my wound, because it hurt and I felt so disappointed with myself. Then I went to bed and struggled to sleep sometimes because of my ridiculously sore swollen breasts. They were as sore as when they had been after I’d given birth to each of my 3 children. As if it was filling up with milk for breastfeeding. My husband woke up and asked me how I was feeling, and I just said “My breasts are so sore. Argh.” And we both just shrugged it off and got out of bed to get the kids ready for breakfast. I have to say these pregnancy symptoms were stronger than any other pregnancy symptoms I’ve had in the past. I’ve never had such achy breasts in pregnancy before.

Yesterday afternoon I noticed I had a weird brown discharge. Well it went on for a few hours, and then stopped. I googled “miscarriage symptoms brown discharge” and found a trove of results. I started to brace myself for the possibility that the baby is dead. A creeping sense of heaviness settled upon me. I told my husband about it and he didn’t say much. I put a pad on before going to bed, just in case there was more during my sleep. Some time in the early hours of this morning, round about 7 am, I awoke because of the sensation of lots of discharge coming out from between my legs. I was in the middle of a dream, which was totally unrelated to what was happening. I got up and checked. It was bright red blood. Quite heavy bleeding too.

My husband woke up and found out what happened. He hugged me and said it’s alright. I’m sure we both felt relieved, as we weren’t so sure how we’d cope with another baby all this time. But I felt sad as well. Possibly because I had already mentally prepared myself for the impending birth of a new baby and we even told our kids we were going to have a new baby. They were all excited and looking forward to it. So when we came downstairs for breakfast, we broke the news to the kids that we won’t be having another baby after all. Cue some disappointed expressions from my daughters, who were hoping for another sister to play with. My son however, was nonchalant. Understandably so, haha… since he has been such a demanding baby from the start. I guess he probably already knew that a new baby would mean he would be getting less attention, and he didn’t want that. On the other hand, he always wished he’d have a brother to play with, as the “girls don’t like to play games that he likes”.

Oh well… we can’t always please everyone can we?

But yes, I am genuinely taken aback at how emotionally-affected I am at losing a baby at such an early stage of pregnancy. I never knew it was going to matter so much, when the foetus is only about the size of a pea and probably hasn’t even developed a lot of visible human features yet. It’s a kind of grief that no words can describe. A type of grief that doesn’t make me cry but is like an enveloping heavy sadness that raises it’s head every now and then throughout the day today, and I think of what might have been, and what could have been, but was never meant to be.

I’ve never had a miscarriage before. I’d say I’ve always found it easy to get pregnant so far and in fact, me and my husband were always fearful of getting pregnant again. Some of my friends have had early miscarriages, and every time it happened, I saw how affected they were and I could only try to empathise, but not fully understand how much it could affect someone or how. Now that I’ve been through one myself – and it was only a few weeks’ old foetus in my case – I can only imagine how much more devastated I would have been had the baby been a few months old, or worse – full-term and stillborn.

RIP my dear baby. I’ll always remember you.