I am so happy to have received my GROK cards. It would help me improve the way I use NVC, I am sure. Already, I have seen some major insights from using it tonight. I was quite affected by S’s comment to me about a parenting post I made on FB tonight. I meditated and worked on my feelings and needs about that incident.
So I picked out and narrowed down to 5 or 6 Feelings cards first. I had Resentful, Irritated, Shocked, Anxious, Furious and Embarrassed.
Then I picked out Needs cards to illustrate the Needs I felt were applicable to the situation. I felt loads.
Then after working through the Needs, I started to see a pattern to how they produced certain Feelings in me when they are not met. Tonight as it was my first use and I was using it to meditate on an upsetting experience, all the Needs I picked were Needs that I wished I had more of when it happened…
So I tried to rearrange the Needs cards with the Feelings cards in a way that best showed, to me, how which of my Needs, when they are not presently met, could produce which of my Feelings. This was how it looked :
It might differ for each individual but to me, this was it. I compared it to the Needs inventory here to try and see which major categories of Needs when not presently met, trigger which Feelings.
So very interesting… I seem to see a bit of a pattern there:
– I seem to feel Resentful when my needs regarding Connection with others are not presently met. I guess I get too tangled in my need to Connect with others, I start to hate it when they don’t meet those needs. Which isn’t really what I’d like to continue… I want to free others and myself from the expectation that they are somehow “supposed” to meet my needs and I, theirs’.
– I seem to feel Irritated when I feel like my time is wasted or I didn’t do things as well as I would like (Efficiency); when I feel like I am not satisfying my intense need to learn, grow and be inspired (Learning & Growth + Inspiration); when I am not feeling well (Ease & Comfort). I like to be on form and constantly learning and improving.
– I feel Shocked when my need for Love and Compassion aren’t met presently. Wonder what I can say about this? Do I expect love and compassion so much that I am Shocked when it doesn’t happen? Erm. Yes. I guess so. Which again, I want to work towards NOT expecting others to do for me. I need to love and be compassionate to myself. Not expect others to meet those needs so I could have them met. This could be done by parts work and developing a strong True Self.
– I get Anxious when my needs for Connection with others (especially to do with harmony or getting along) are not met. And I know the reason for this very well.. Because in my primitive fight-or-flight part of the brain, it has been hardwired into me in childhood that disharmony or disagreement could lead to violence. It might seem odd to someone reading this, that I might feel like there is a threat of violence whenever I don’t feel like I’m getting along with someone. The reason for this is because I grew up with a mother who would sometimes hit me if I expressed any disagreement with her. Such things stay with you. Sad to say, as an adult for so many years, I’m still working through these feelings, hence the anxiety. Also if my needs for Security, Trust and Hope are not met, I get Anxious too. Hope is a big driver of my motivations to live. Without hope, I would rather be dead. Because I am an out-and-out INFP Idealist. I even paid to be MBTI-tested at CAPT so I know the INFP “diagnosis” is true.
– I get Embarassed when my needs for Connection with Others (wrt Acceptance, Respect, Understanding, I.e. basic respect and dignity) are not met. I think I could have picked the Dignity card too, really, now I think about it. I want to work towards not expecting others to meet my needs for Acceptance, Dignity, Self Respect. I can do that for myself via parts work once again, via developing a strong True Self.
– I get Furious when my need for Space (inner peace) and Consideration (from others) isn’t met. Because I always try to do this to others wherever possible and I get angry when others don’t treat me the same way… But I guess this is coming down to feeling like a victim if I think this way. If someone isn’t meeting my need for Space and Consideration, I find others who do to meet those needs.
Also I have merged the Needs cards for Embarrassing Feelings together with Furious Feelings cards because I do notice that when I am embarrassed because others are not showing me respect, acceptance dignity, etc.. I get Furious too! And Embarrassed! Because I tend to act out rather than let it stew inside. It’s part of the Blame game though if I act out… It is something I am actively working to change in me. A very jackal part of me. To expect that others “should” do certain things or to try and control /change them to please me. It is not giraffe and stimulates in me a lot of inner pain (feelings of Embarrassment merged with Furiousness). I want to work on developing my ability to let things be and to look at the expanse and wonder of the universe and its possibilities and not to be so narrow/one-track-minded/dual-solution-minded/my-way-or-the-highway-minded.
I guess it all comes down to also doing parts work, learning to develop a strong True Self with self-belief in the way the universe always works things out in its own mysterious ways – too big and powerful for me to fully understand. But I can appreciate the vastness of what I cannot comprehend and what I can only put faith in.
A big realisation I had tonight though, was how ambiguous S’s reply to my post was. It could mean so many things, but I reacted to the negative interpretation. After I’d had time to meditate on it, I realised she could have also meant her comment as meeting a sort of need for Self Expression (Autonomy) or “To be Heard” or “To be Seen” (Connection with others)… And if that was indeed the case, then there would be no reason for me to be upset over it.
Basically, I think I saw what she did as a desire to meet a need for Autonomy and Connection, but purposefully doing it so that my needs for Consideration and Respect (and the rest of it above) weren’t met. But… She doesn’t know me that well. How would she had known her response could do that? And even if she did, she was still only doing it out of a need to meet her Needs for Autonomy and Connection. Something which she is clearly still reeling from not having met due to very difficult circumstances in her life.
And I have the ability to recognise that I am only 100% responsible for meeting my own needs. And I will try to meet my Needs for Connection with her but I absolutely cannot start to think I am responsible for meeting her Needs. Not even 50%, or 20% of them. Nada. It saddens me to see how hurt and angry she is as a person, how she sees this world as a cold, heartless place. I wish her all the best but I simply must try to focus on the fact I cannot be responsible for her and she alone has to learn to take responsibility for meeting her own Needs and not blaming the world or expecting the world to do that for her.
Sadly but empathically, I will leave this issue to rest now, and I also thank my lucky stars I can actually get my hands on these GROK cards to work things out… Truly working things out requires a lot of effort and some good techniques. I know I am getting to the root source of things through this process because I am feeling waves of mild anxiety as I know I am actually touching on the right stuff – it really really matters to me, and it concerns me a lot, all my life, which is why working through these emotions take so much out of me. My journey… Onwards and up..